Look, I know I come off as severe sometimes. I'm a very intense person. But believe it or not, I am making friends all the time on OkCupid. The positive stuff is too personal to blog about for me whereas the annoyances are shallow and easy to pick on. So I don't hate the website or the people on it. I have the baby, I just need to rant about the bathwater sometimes.
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THE BATHWATER
Don't inform me that my profile is too whatever you think is wrong with it.
Don't help perpetuate an argument with asinine statements and then after a few rounds of getting your ass handed to you blame me for "taking it too seriously." "Whoa whoa whoa, I was just joking around" is utter bullshit at that point. Wuss.
Don't tell me that I should "smile more." It's supposed to be a charming little gesture of encouragement, but it's canned and insulting and I hear it all the time. More importantly, how do you know I don't have a totally legitimate reason to not smile? It seems counter-productive to me for someone to criticize how I portray myself if it's the truth and I only want to attract people who will accept that.
Don't ask the question when I put "don't ask" next to something. I'm not flirting with you, asswit, I just want people to leave me alone about it.
Don't read "I like Bach" in my profile and decide to annoy me into dating you by telling me how much Bach sucks even though you have NO EFFING CLUE what you're talking about.
Don't start an argument with an asinine statement like "Bach sucks" and then get all weirded out when I give you a sincere rebuttal.
Don't get all nervous about making plans if I'm busy for a week. You didn't know I existed last week, one more week isn't going to kill you. (It sounds arrogant, I know, but people seriously get all jumpy if I can't meet up with them within a few days.)
Don't message me about music unless you know what you're talking about. Damn it.
Don't tell me to change my profile to suit the "normal" ideal rather than accurately representing myself.
Don't tell me you can't dance.
Don't insult other guys to make yourself seem somehow more self-aware than they are.
Don't tell me about the things you suck at, like dancing, playing an instrument, and spelling. It puts me in an awkward position as I have no way to respond to that politely and honestly.
Don't send me a message insulting something I mention liking in my profile as a clumsy attempt at flirting. It's like the guitarist that no one knows or cares about clamoring on stage and yelling into the microphone, "HOW Y'ALL DOIN'" as a cheap, unimaginative attempt to connect to the crowd. Awkward for everyone.
Don't just look at my pictures and send me garbage.
Stop freaking out if I can't get back to you within a couple of days. A girl's got shit to accomplish and rent to pay, holmes.
Don't send me dumb, snarky, vaguely rude copy+paste messages and then get all upset when I call you out on it.
Don't completely violate simple requests in my profile and then get all confused and upset, telling me you're "a good person," as if that is the only criterion I'm allowed to consider when deciding who I want to spend what little time I have talking to.
Don't tell me I'm too uptight about grammar. Just move on to the illiterate section of the dating pool where you belong and you won't have to worry about it.
Don't demand that I "read you."
Don't carefully proofread your messages on OKC and then turn into a linguistic slob when we talk on IM. Be honest with me from the beginning, people.
Don't tell me how many messages I'm "probably" getting every day from other guys, but that I should give yours special consideration because of whatever it is you say you have going for you. I'm not that special. You can talk to me like a normal human being. And have some pride, man.
Don't send me a message telling me how awesome you think you are. What are you hoping for here? What POSSIBLE outcome could you reasonably expect from this that would be considered beneficial? Apparently I'm supposed to read your message and conclude that I would be foolish to not go out with someone so thoroughly boss. You are at that point, by definition, anything but cool.
Don't tell me about women.
Don't tell me about guys.
Don't assume anything from internet silence.
And for god's sake stop telling me I'm "too negative." Fuck you, and I hope you perish slowly and unpoetically in a fiery, fiery crash.
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