(New and improved repost from Facebook.)
At first I titled this post "21 Things Guys Do Wrong," but that just seemed a bit too harsh, even for me. It's also not accurate - no one guy does all of these things. But they happen often enough to me to give me plenty of solid rant material, so fuck it. It's goin' up.
This is an annotated list of things I wish guys would get over doing. It's by far not a comprehensive list as far as sex and relationships go, but I tried to stay close to the surface - things guys do before and at the beginning of a relationship.
Here's another such list, though it focuses way more on the sex part: http://www.soccer24-7.com/forum/archive/index.php/t-103894.html
I tried not to repeat too many from this list, but some things need to be said twice.
One more disclaimer: I am fully aware of my own bias. My "advice" is just packaged that way because it's how I choose to rant. I make these posts for my own entertainment; if I really wanted to have a solid, successful, influential, popular blog, I would be way, way more diligent about my writing and advertising. Grain of salt, folks.
ENJOI.
21 THINGS GUYS DO WRONG
1. Moaning, groaning, and/or becoming distant if she's not in the mood.
Yes, I know you're frustrated and it's considered "normal" to express that frustration; it's what guys do. Well, stop it. She probably already feels bad about it and you whining about it or giving her the silent treatment her will just make her feel even more horrible. And don't do the playful "Aw, man!" thing unless it truly isn't a big deal; she can tell the difference.
If you think she should "know how you feel" and use that as an excuse to whine at her about something she already feels bad about, please die immediately because you're an insufferable douchebag. Yeah, it's disappointing, but if you actually like the girl at all it's not the end of the world, and it's probably temporary.
2. Making it your life goal to bring her to orgasm.
It's true, "If at first you don't succeed, try try again" applies to this, but not all in one session. Guys need to understand: relieving sexual frustration or just enjoying sex in general is (usually) not about the orgasm for women. It's fun and it feels good, sure. But it's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen the first time.
More importantly, don't use her orgasm as a testament to your manliness. At that point it's not about her anymore. It's about you and feeling accomplished as a man, and she feels like she's on show. And yes, we know when you're just trying to prove something to yourself. She's not likely to enjoy herself if she feels like she's just putting on a show to quell your insecurities. This is when and why girls fake orgasms.
If you really want to know what she likes, ask. (Some girls are shy and won't tell you. It's a maturity thing for women - not much you can do about it but guess.)
3. Expecting her to be able to sleep with your arms wrapped around her.
The inability to move and your hot, rhythmic sleep-breathing heaved onto her neck every few seconds probably makes it difficult for her to sleep. Be aware that just because you're comfortable doesn't mean she is. Also remember that if she doesn't get enough sleep because you insist on cocooning her with your limbs, she'll probably be a grumpy bitch after a while.
4. Referring to anyone's orgasm as "finishing" or "being done."
This is such a turnoff. It shows her that you think that
1. sex is a "task,"
2. you don't really need her to "finish" it, and
3. orgasm is the end goal and sex ends there.
Sex doesn't end there for her; most girls aren't "done" when they reach orgasm.
If you say "I'm almost done" to me during sex, you will be all the way done immediately due to me hastily exiting your penis-space.
5. Making it all about sudden dominance all the time.
Rough sex is awesome, but take your time. If you're always shoving her onto your dick suddenly, you bypass all opportunity for building tension. This is absolutely essential to enjoyment for many girls, even the ones who do want to be owned all the time. So while it can be really exciting to just go at it all of a sudden, don't do that 100% of the time. Teasing is highly underrated.
To that end: It's generally not a good idea to just jump in anyway. I mean, logistically speaking it makes things messy. Which means literally speaking it makes things not messy enough down there (you know, the vagina, in the place where you're trying to shove a relatively large skin-phallus). Sometimes we don't like it either, but we HAVE to have time to be physically/psychologically prepared.
6. Commenting on EVERY PAIR OF BOOBS YOU SEE.
Okay, girls need to get over the fact that guys look at boobs. All of them. All the time. They need to stop being insecure bitches, and they shouldn't make the guy feel bad about something he can't help.
But guys: if you find a girl who doesn't throw a vaginal bitch fit every time your eyes wander, don't take that as the go-ahead to comment on every pair of boobs you see. She might be super cool about it, but after a while hearing about how awesome every other girl's body is gets a little old, and it can make the girl feel un-special. Saying "I'd hit it" about everyone who has a small waist and decent boobs can make the girl you're with, no matter how secure, feel like your sleeping with her is totally a coincidence, that you could be with any of those other girls just as easily.
Another way to alleviate this effect: if there's something specific to her body you like, tell her.
7. Being overly cocky or overly modest.
The cocky thing seems like an obvious point, but let's face it: girls dig assholes. They want someone with confidence and prowess. But overt cockiness is utterly transparent (and goddamned annoying); an overly cocky guy usually doesn't realize that he is revealing every insecurity he has by posturing like a douchebag.
A less obvious point: yes, modesty can be unattractive, too. If you're with a girl you like but you're always telling her how much you don't deserve her, asking her what she's doing with you, and saying other things that shit all over yourself, stop it. 1. Utter lack of confidence in oneself is unattractive, and 2. it makes the girl feel like you're just with her because she's the only girl who paid attention to you.
Accept compliment graciously. If someone says something nice about you, don't deflect. Just smile and say thank you, no matter how awkward it makes you feel. Rejecting compliments is downright rude.
Chicks dig quiet modesty, but too much sincere self-deprecation can make it seem like you're with her out of desperation, not because of attraction and compatibility.
8. Fucking her at weird angles.
I'm not referring to positions here. Regardless of the position, don't try to "hit her sweet spot" or some dumb shit like that. Just go for straight, clean thrusts. Spastic "crazy angle" thrusts feel awkward, and can even hurt; going at some weird angle or moving around a bunch mid-thrust often stretches things in unpleasant ways.
If you want to find her "spot," rather than trying to manipulate thrusts, try out different positions and see which ones she likes best.
9. Making assumptions about birth control methods.
Here are two things birth control is not: straightforward, and something you want to fuck with.
If she tells you she's on the pill, don't just assume she's been on it long enough to be totally safe. Some girls don't know enough about their own birth control, some are misinformed, and when pressured even the most honest ones will straight up lie to you to avoid awkwardness or disappointment. Educate yourself on the common forms of birth control so you know exactly what to ask her and when it's safe. I know it's an awkward conversation that can come up at the most inopportune time. Just remember:
Make no assumptions or risk havin' babies.
10. Staying in the same position for more than a few minutes.
Plowing away in one position for 10 or 15 minutes might be groovy for the guy, but at that point you're just using her for a warm hole. (Good luck keeping it naturally lubricated, too.) Change it up - put her on a desk, bend her over something, improvise on a position you've already tried. This keeps it interesting psychologically and prevents a numb vagina.
11. Being totally silent.
Make some noise during sex! You don't want to fuck a mime, why would we? No one likes silent bitches.
12. Not taking an interest in the things she does independently of you.
It's quite common in relationships for one or both people to be passionate about something the other is not involved in. You don't necessarily have to get involved in those things with her, but at least try to see what it is she does when she's not with you. She wants to feel like you like her as a person, not just the parts you get to enjoy.
13. Assuming "rigorous clit abuse" is on her list of turn-ons.
Some girls can handle really aggressive stimulation, but for the rest of us:
Seriously guys, this hurts. From what I can tell, the only guys who do this do it the first time anything at all physical happens, before they could possibly have any idea whether the girl can even handle that kind of aggressive, direct stimulation on that tiny bundle of nerves or not, let alone if she likes it. (Which kind of tells me that they were doing it for themselves more than anything.)
The best I can figure is that this goes through his head at some point: "Oh, there's a small bundle of nerves that feels great when touched lightly, so touching it EVEN HARDER must make it feel even greater-er!!!"
NO.
P.S. A rigid tongue is as bad an aggressive finger.
14. Waiting until you're in the Friend Zone to ask a girl out.
So you've made friends with a cute, interesting girl. You hang out for a few weeks, maybe months, and then you finally work up the courage to ask her out...and she's not interested. You're thinking: what happened? We've been inseparable for weeks, we obviously get along - what else could she want?
She wants someone with confidence and sexual prowess. Flirt a little from the start and she'll fill in the rest with her girl-brains.
One more (very important) thing about friendships with girls:
Girls want guy friends sometimes; do not assume that just because a girl is hanging out with you that she wants to date you. Ask her early on, and if she's really someone you want to be friends with, let it go if she says no. But whatever you do, DO NOT hear "I'm not interested" as "maybe if you stick around longer and wait patiently I will become interested." That shit is awkward and annoying; it cheapens friendships for the moment and ruins them ultimately.
15. Assuming an "open relationship" status is an invitation for anyone and everyone to openly propose sex.
NO.
16. Giving up on hygiene once you get comfortable.
If she really likes you, morning breath and a missed shower here and there are probably not a big deal. However, not doing anything about the morning breath and not showering for days and/or before you see her can chip away at physical attraction over time. Horrendous breath is so distracting that it can make kissing and even cuddling entirely unpleasant. And no one wants to run their fingers through greasy hair.
17. Seeing morning wood and assuming you're horny, and then poking her with it.
Ugh. Really?
A boner is not always caused by horniness. Morning wood is a result of some crazy chemical shit that goes on while you're sleeping. It's totally a physical thing. You don't "wake up horny all the time," you just assume that you do because that's what pitching a tent normally indicates. And stop poking us with it!
18. Doing the mid-sentence kiss at the wrong time.
We've all seen this in a million chick flicks: a boy and a girl somehow find themselves spending time together, they grow closer, and there's a conversation where they stop to acknowledge the tension between them. She's all blabbing on about how she doesn't know what to do about it, or she doesn't know if she should "leap" or some dumb shit like that. In the middle of one of her vaginal outbursts the guy just kisses her and shuts her right up, and all the women in the audience cream themselves. "THAT'S SO ROMANTIC!"
THIS IS A MOVIE AND ONLY APPLIES IN THIS EXACT CIRCUMSTANCE, IF EVER.
If a girl is talking at you about her ideas on fiscal policy, that is NOT THE TIME to interrupt her sentence by attacking her with your face. This pisses me off like nobody's business. You're not being spontaneous and romantic, you just don't give a shit about what I was saying.
If you want to show you care about a girl, let her speak and have actual discourse with her.
If you just want to get into a girl's pants, just let her speak and pretend to have actual discourse.
Either way, interrupting something she might feel is important by trying to make out with her mid-sentence will probably send you well on your way out of Doin'itville.
19. Buying into retarded pop stereotypical ideas that say women get off by lighting candles and watching The Notebook.
WOMEN WATCH PORN. We have dirty minds, too, and most of the time we just want the shit fucked out of us. Choke a bitch once in a while.
20. Being a messy kisser.
No matter how romantic and impassioned a kiss is, it's just an icky feeling to be slobbered all over. I have never, ever talked to someone (particularly girls) who said they liked sloppy kisses. Very little (except maybe horrendous onion breath) is more off putting than coming away from a kiss with slobber all around your mouth. Uggghh.
21. Complaining about how all she does is makes lists of things she hates that you do.
Then stop fucking shit up.
Dork.
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Okay, so that last one was a joke. The rest are some of the beefs I've accumulated in my experience. If you have more to add, leave it in the comment box.
Kthx!
